sickness

And here I am again.
Honestly feel like I've been sick more so this year than ever.

Guess it's God's way of telling me to rest.



I have family problems, too. =(

confused frustrated

I thought hard about it. Longest hour perhaps. Lots of should I, should I nots. Lots of ifs and what abouts. I just wanted to bury my head under the pillow. Dig a hole in the ground. Escape.

My problem is too, long, too often. too much on my mind.

I resolved not to think about it, because I honestly do not want to. Yet my mind wanders back to the topic. Always, seems like. It's getting to the point that I'm questioning if I'm sinning -- idolatry? The very thing I'm constantly fighting, guarding against.

Failing miserably.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Wish I can just stop. Is it that difficult? Shouldn't be.

But it is what it is.




Give me the strength to change. To accept. To take everything with a grain of salt.

some materialistic things

-tripod

-calligraphy pens/calligraphy set

-costco cookbook

-50mm 1.4 lens for my nikon (or, 50mm 1.8D)
-baker's twine (red&white, orange&white, green&white, blue&white.. woot!)

-cream colored scarf

-black scarf
-springform baking pan
-cake stand

-simple, pretty watch

eventually:
-house with a/some window seats! super pretty

Yay for CitiBank & Budgeting

My alarm totally didn't wake me up this morning, but the sound of my textmsg did! haha how weird.



CitiBank is officially in my legit book. Called and told me someone's using my card. >[

Good thing I keep all my receipts and log everything I buy. =D yay for budgeting and keeping track of everything.

So not good

Heart was beating like crazy.


Must not be good.

yay for not being sick again. after 7/10 weeks of sickness.

thanksgiving 2009 [home]

-much thanks to the Yang brothers and Steph for giving me a ride home/back to sd :) the car ride, although super super long, was filled with jokes and mucho randomness that brought smiles and laughters. I like them lots and lots.

-time with family was so good. and so precious & dear to my heart. Thomas is growing up so fast! Yet, he still shows so much love and adoration towards me (totally do not deserve). He's learning that not everything will go his way, and accepting it with as much joy as possible (<3 <3).
-funny story: I was so exhausted Thursday morning, but since Thomas loves to play Wii, I played Smash with him. Because I suck, we teamed up to play against CPUs. Because I suck so badly, I died within 5 seconds, so Thomas had to take on CPUs by himself. While waiting for him to finish up that round, I totally just knocked out on the couch. =/ =( He woke me up half an hour later. What a fail!

That's all the randomness during the two-day thanksgiving two-day drive to norcal.
Here's what I really wanted to write down.

Night of Thanksgiving, sort of like a tradition now, the Lin's invited the Mandarin Congregation to their place for potluck. My view towards BCC is one of worry and concern. But since I'm not home very often, I can't say much because I don't know much. Can I assume anything? Absolutely not. So even though I worry and worry, I can only pray; very thankful that at least my parents are attending church. For nothing else, at least I know the Word of God is being opened at least once a week.
I digress. During dinner, I got to talk to J and M. I'm not sure how exactly we got onto the topic, but I got to share with them my struggles throughout this past year. I told them the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, the struggles that I suffered, the things that made/makes my heart cry, the things that worries me, the nightmares I have, the battles I'm fighting, the uncertainties that makes me unable to sleep, the fears I can't get rid off. But more than my problems and my struggles, I was able to share how great our God is, how dependable, how faithful, how loving. That it is truly by His grace, that I am where I am today.

What a blessing. To be able to tell them my struggles and the things God has been teaching me. To pass on my knowledge, so that they may benefit from it.



I did not anticipate this at all, weren't even prepared for such "heavy topics" (as J referred to it). But, it was so right. Thanksgiving night -- how very much thankful I am that I was able to talk to them.
I see now that I have benefitted so much from Lighthouse's teaching and examples shown by older brothers/sisters & peers. How can I NOT share?

scattered thoughts

Pastor Patrick shared a bit towards the end of thanksgiving potluck (will blog about it, hopefully). Although he was talking about a completely different topic - how thankful he was for the bookfund - there are few things that he said that was basically exactly what's been on my mind (but probably better put). haha

"If God didn't want [me] to go this way, then why SO much affirmation"?
"answered prayers; affirmations that this is the direction God wants [me] to go".
"God, you wouldn't bring me this far just to have me fall flat on my face".

I have had so many doors opened for me; if this is not the way You are pushing me to go, WHY/ i have so many.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Who in their right mind would want to do medicine. Which girl in her right mind would willingly give up 8+ years of their life ("golden years", as mommy calls it)?? Who wouldn't want to get married some day? Have family? Who wouldn't want to just have an easy life, work from 8-5? Am I nuts?!



But, I suppose this is what I'm choosing to do. I just hope that by pursuing this neverending/scary/long/lonely road, God will be glorified the most.

Nonetheless, I'm still scared.