Numbers

Just a quick post before I head to bed..

-Though I enjoyed reading OT so far (very very much), Numbers has been rather tempting to glance over and skip sections =(

-It's okay. i busted out my big bible and my little one, reading them side-by-side =D

-Themes: God's faithfulness despite human faithlessness/failures; the sovereign power of God in history

-I see more and more that when I'm not doing well in the Lord, everything else just becomes more frustrating/stressful than before. So the resolution is to open my bible before opening my safari/word doc.

fishing

(this is not on Matt4/Mark1)

I remember going fishing with my uncle when I was little. I think I absolutely hated it. It was so boring (but of course, I was only a kid then and sitting anywhere for more than five minutes equated to boring). But for some reason, my uncle/grandpa loved it.

And I guess the question would be, did my relatives like the process, or simply the result of catching fish(es)?

I think I can argue for the process aspect. The dessert after a meal, the reward after hardwork, is perhaps something to look forward to, a motivator, maybe. But learning to love the process is quite precious as well. How can you do things well if you do not enjoy doing them at all? I look at my highschool life, and have no good thoughts about it, no good memories. All I can say is whatever I did got me to college. Ouch. That's rather sad. Yes I ended up getting into almost all the schools I applied to (ucla are jerks), yes the end result is pretty good, but the process of it all? definitely not a highlight. This, this is why I resolved that my college years are not going to be simply wasted for the sole purpose of getting into medschool.

I won't argue that sometimes the road is rather bumpy (hehe hello secondaries, how you eat up all my time), but why not pause and think of all the good that comes of it? Take my last summer, I think I was pretty depressed for a good chunk of it, but I look back and can only be thankful of God's mercy and grace. The loneliness/tears/whatevers, taught me to be dependent on God and on Him alone. How can I say that 31 (result) was all I liked? no wayyy. If I had to live it over again, I'd wish for the same (maybe higher score and less heartache would be nice, but hey, oh well)

All this is to say to myself that secondaries are not going to kill me. And coming to the conclusion that I will be able to live without medschool if it comes down to it, well, makes this whole thing a little more bearable.

Going back to fishing. You are not the fish. As someone on dry land, you can only control what type of bait, how much, where you put in the bait. You don't get to control which fish is going to come to you. In a nutshell, if you can't control, why worry? Do the best on your part, stop the unnecessary worrying.

Along similar lines, it doesn't matter how unlikely you are going to catch a fish with your bait, you are definitely not going to get anything if you don't have a bait to start with. The rebuke/encouragement to me here was: stop trying to make everything perfect, stop thinking about how unlikely this this this would happen; if you don't at least attempt (apply), then you are for sure not going to get in (admitted).

All are just random thoughts cause I was talking to someone about it today while complaining about medschool applications. Can't think of any biblical references on top of my head, so take everything with a grain of salt.

verses everywhere in the apt = awesome

such good reminders.

{Romans 5:3-5 -- And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulations brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us}

like I said to Ange, such blessings in disguise. Ugly disguises, but blessings nonetheless. Wouldn't trade it for anything else, wouldn't have it any other way :)

i know!

onrepeat: Casting Crowns - I Kknow You're There

i know you're there, i know you hear me / i can find you anywhere

just because it's not in focus, doesn't mean it's not there.

---

still don't have a complete draft that i'm 100% happy about, but i know what i want to write, the rough structure, what i want to convey, which, =)!

---

other hand,

stupid dreams. it feels like i'm picking which relationship(s) i want to keep. but i'm not. i'm not.

right.?

going home 07/03 - 07/25; just in time for the mother's bday =)

The Mayonnaise Jar

(from email)

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,

When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And start to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
It into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
And poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
Filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
Children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
And only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
Important to you.
So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
To clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand
And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"



I just did......

onrepeat

Weird study habit: most of the time, I can only listen to one song on repeat when studying (focus) - the switching song part is way too distracting for me.

This quarter finals:

{Go Hard - Lecrae}

You know where it stopped when I turned it off to take the final (which, haha I completely failed cause I didn't read the textbook =[ )?

"If you didn't know Christ would your life look the same / Can they tell you value Jesus by the way you rep His name? / man what's the point of living if I'm living by myself"

Isn't that cool.

one things at home

i miss the days when i can wake up and run my fingers across the 88 keys,

or play a song or two and then go back to studying

i'm tempted to just abandon all the things on my iCal and drive home for a weekend.

try again

eeek. been sleeping till 8/8:30ish lately. boo.

goal: get back to my usual schedule,

wake up 7am latest.

fear that because things have been going so well, something terrible is going to happen.

makes no sense

it's only week 1.
my classes are supposedly super easy
but,
i havent been able to sleep before 1:30a
to-do list is exponentially increasing
feels like i'm doing nothing right
what is going on.

driving downtown

driving people to airport sucks =(

i'm going to be sad this summer/end of summer.

mmmm

If you are looking for absolute fulfillment in another person, you are setting yourself up for failure. I once heard a man say, “If you cannot find peace in yourself, it is futile to search for it elsewhere.” You have to be satisfied with your identity as a single person; you have to have a growing relationship with Christ, or you will not be well-suited for a relationship. In 1 Corinthians, Paul shares some insight about the benefits of finding Singles Satisfaction: “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.” (7:27)

Isn't that so so true?

---

a relationship is not just about how you benefit from the other person; it is about how you can invest in that person’s life for the better.

I'm still in shock what he sees in me. A (big) part of me is so so scared that I'm not able/don't have the ability/talent/knowledge/whatever to help him. I can only see how I'd benefit from the relationship, and not the other way around. ><" Hope this changes, ha ha ha..

God is so gracious to me.

idontneedanything

onrepeat: Valentine - Kina Grannis

---

I've been so, so blessed by the verses on my wall. Despite my to-do list seemingly growing exponentially as the minute goes by, I am comforted by the promises of God's word.

Need less. Love more

chewing on this

B: "I think for you, you trust God with everything."

Hm, would love to, but probably no. gotta gotta chew on this for a while.

verse on my wall at the moment:

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

-Matthew 6:33

(HEH isnt it crazy how Jin spoke on Matt6:31-33 on fnf?=))

praypraypray

Been praying for one particular thing for a while. Got to the point I'm questioning, God, if this is not your will, why don't You take it away? And if it is, why am I suffering?

A lbc sis wrote to me:

at the same time, as discouraging as it may be to feel like God's not answering your prayer, he takes his time sometimes and in the process, you become all the more dependent on his grace and you end up dwelling on the gospel so much more.

even though I still question and it still hurts when I think about it, thanks for always pointing me back to Christ.

I like lbc =)

no more resolutions; just change

Four days away - no insomnia, no nightmares... bless =)

break so far..

1. I got attacked by the bushes next to my garage.
2. My beloved mac is dirty. Ack.
3. I' been sleeping past 10am. What the ridiculous.
4. Costco chocolate peppermint bark is definitely making me fat. And it's sitting right in front of me. All the time.
5. I can't believe I got attacked by those nasty bushes.

confused frustrated

I thought hard about it. Longest hour perhaps. Lots of should I, should I nots. Lots of ifs and what abouts. I just wanted to bury my head under the pillow. Dig a hole in the ground. Escape.

My problem is too, long, too often. too much on my mind.

I resolved not to think about it, because I honestly do not want to. Yet my mind wanders back to the topic. Always, seems like. It's getting to the point that I'm questioning if I'm sinning -- idolatry? The very thing I'm constantly fighting, guarding against.

Failing miserably.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Wish I can just stop. Is it that difficult? Shouldn't be.

But it is what it is.




Give me the strength to change. To accept. To take everything with a grain of salt.

thanksgiving 2009 [home]

-much thanks to the Yang brothers and Steph for giving me a ride home/back to sd :) the car ride, although super super long, was filled with jokes and mucho randomness that brought smiles and laughters. I like them lots and lots.

-time with family was so good. and so precious & dear to my heart. Thomas is growing up so fast! Yet, he still shows so much love and adoration towards me (totally do not deserve). He's learning that not everything will go his way, and accepting it with as much joy as possible (<3 <3).
-funny story: I was so exhausted Thursday morning, but since Thomas loves to play Wii, I played Smash with him. Because I suck, we teamed up to play against CPUs. Because I suck so badly, I died within 5 seconds, so Thomas had to take on CPUs by himself. While waiting for him to finish up that round, I totally just knocked out on the couch. =/ =( He woke me up half an hour later. What a fail!

That's all the randomness during the two-day thanksgiving two-day drive to norcal.
Here's what I really wanted to write down.

Night of Thanksgiving, sort of like a tradition now, the Lin's invited the Mandarin Congregation to their place for potluck. My view towards BCC is one of worry and concern. But since I'm not home very often, I can't say much because I don't know much. Can I assume anything? Absolutely not. So even though I worry and worry, I can only pray; very thankful that at least my parents are attending church. For nothing else, at least I know the Word of God is being opened at least once a week.
I digress. During dinner, I got to talk to J and M. I'm not sure how exactly we got onto the topic, but I got to share with them my struggles throughout this past year. I told them the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, the struggles that I suffered, the things that made/makes my heart cry, the things that worries me, the nightmares I have, the battles I'm fighting, the uncertainties that makes me unable to sleep, the fears I can't get rid off. But more than my problems and my struggles, I was able to share how great our God is, how dependable, how faithful, how loving. That it is truly by His grace, that I am where I am today.

What a blessing. To be able to tell them my struggles and the things God has been teaching me. To pass on my knowledge, so that they may benefit from it.



I did not anticipate this at all, weren't even prepared for such "heavy topics" (as J referred to it). But, it was so right. Thanksgiving night -- how very much thankful I am that I was able to talk to them.
I see now that I have benefitted so much from Lighthouse's teaching and examples shown by older brothers/sisters & peers. How can I NOT share?

breaks my heart

every little single thing.


But, I know that I can lean on my wonderful God. For comfort when I'm continuously hurting. For peace when my heart is at war. For light when I'm drowning in my own darkness. For hope when I seem have none.
Give me the strength to trust that all is for good.