a white christmas!

Christmas! This year around, the familia went to Reno, NV for ski/snowboarding trip.. so, that means, a white Christmas!





Look at the brother and his rockstar sign! isn't he just adorable? <3




I think this has to be my favorite photo from the trip - I love the water splashes. This is the edited version... maybe I'll put the original up sometime, too. =)




Anddd, during the trip, the brother turned me into a gamer. (no edit, a little overexposed but i love my expression, isn't it hardcore? =D)


I think it was a fairly successful trip around =)

amazon prime

I'm so giggly, having prime again. I can't quite stop smiling when I think about it - which is quite often since I found out this afternoon.

Yesterday, I believe I spent 1+ hour on amazon.com, trying to come up with the $25 dollar requirement, and beating myself over not thinking about these things earlier.


Wootwootwoothoooo!
<3 little things make me happy.

no more resolutions; just change

Four days away - no insomnia, no nightmares... bless =)

the brother

He said to me yesterday, at 11pm,

"Melody!! isn't it past your bed timeee??"

"... =O okay, I'll go to bed"

"don't forget to brush your teeth!!"

"...okay yes"

"and wash your face!!"

"...okay yes.."

i like trees

Looked through old photos; really like this one:



pathway from the bear to warren mall. taken spring break 09

to be thankful

During the hardest summer of my life to date, I learned to lean on the Lord the most. Perhaps it was because I had nothing else to hope for, nothing else to depend on - whatever the case, it was a precious time and will always hold a special place in my heart (although this is by no means saying I would gladly take the mcats over again - trust me, I don't). I know that prayers and constantly meditating on His goodness had helped me tremendously, but also one thing that kept me going was constantly give thanks to HIM. No joke, I would wake up and tell myself 5 things I am thankful (from the previous day or just in general), or give a quick prayer of thanks before completely knocking out on my makeshift bed.
I'm not super good about blogging, so I won't make some ridiculous promise like I'd post in this thankfulness part daily. So the goal, at least once a week.. =)

---
the sisters I have in Christ
I have trouble sleeping; I have nightmares, every night; the mother noticed my constant sighing and random bursts of "AH" and is beginning to question... but despite all these, I'm constantly being reminded of how good God is and that He has a plan for everything. The sisters at LBC are so encouraging.



We definitely had our share of rough patches and silent treatments, but for the past couple of years, she's been with me through it all. I called her at 3am in the morning when I was panicking, didn't know what to do, all alone at my brand new apartment. <3




"you're trying!!"
i think that says enough.. <3



Two years, we never really talked, even once. This past quarter, strangely, I was the TA for the class she's taking! And hence the start of our Monday Dates =) I like her lots.

break so far..

1. I got attacked by the bushes next to my garage.
2. My beloved mac is dirty. Ack.
3. I' been sleeping past 10am. What the ridiculous.
4. Costco chocolate peppermint bark is definitely making me fat. And it's sitting right in front of me. All the time.
5. I can't believe I got attacked by those nasty bushes.

things i want to do

in no particular order, and to be updated as I think of more:

[before I graduate, hopefully]

-biking at Coronado
-go to Sea World, preferably during christmas time so I can.. stand under the tree of lights, look up, and spin
-learn how to surf

-learn how to skate
-paintball
-go kart
-eat sushi off of one of those conveyer belt thingy
-watch clouds at night (or day, i guess)
-merrygoaround
-swings! & have meaningful talks.

[after]
-go on hot air balloon!

[on-going?]

-learn how to draw/paint

-collect sand in glass jars =)

sickness

And here I am again.
Honestly feel like I've been sick more so this year than ever.

Guess it's God's way of telling me to rest.



I have family problems, too. =(

confused frustrated

I thought hard about it. Longest hour perhaps. Lots of should I, should I nots. Lots of ifs and what abouts. I just wanted to bury my head under the pillow. Dig a hole in the ground. Escape.

My problem is too, long, too often. too much on my mind.

I resolved not to think about it, because I honestly do not want to. Yet my mind wanders back to the topic. Always, seems like. It's getting to the point that I'm questioning if I'm sinning -- idolatry? The very thing I'm constantly fighting, guarding against.

Failing miserably.

I'm so frustrated with myself. Wish I can just stop. Is it that difficult? Shouldn't be.

But it is what it is.




Give me the strength to change. To accept. To take everything with a grain of salt.

some materialistic things

-tripod

-calligraphy pens/calligraphy set

-costco cookbook

-50mm 1.4 lens for my nikon (or, 50mm 1.8D)
-baker's twine (red&white, orange&white, green&white, blue&white.. woot!)

-cream colored scarf

-black scarf
-springform baking pan
-cake stand

-simple, pretty watch

eventually:
-house with a/some window seats! super pretty

Yay for CitiBank & Budgeting

My alarm totally didn't wake me up this morning, but the sound of my textmsg did! haha how weird.



CitiBank is officially in my legit book. Called and told me someone's using my card. >[

Good thing I keep all my receipts and log everything I buy. =D yay for budgeting and keeping track of everything.

So not good

Heart was beating like crazy.


Must not be good.

yay for not being sick again. after 7/10 weeks of sickness.

thanksgiving 2009 [home]

-much thanks to the Yang brothers and Steph for giving me a ride home/back to sd :) the car ride, although super super long, was filled with jokes and mucho randomness that brought smiles and laughters. I like them lots and lots.

-time with family was so good. and so precious & dear to my heart. Thomas is growing up so fast! Yet, he still shows so much love and adoration towards me (totally do not deserve). He's learning that not everything will go his way, and accepting it with as much joy as possible (<3 <3).
-funny story: I was so exhausted Thursday morning, but since Thomas loves to play Wii, I played Smash with him. Because I suck, we teamed up to play against CPUs. Because I suck so badly, I died within 5 seconds, so Thomas had to take on CPUs by himself. While waiting for him to finish up that round, I totally just knocked out on the couch. =/ =( He woke me up half an hour later. What a fail!

That's all the randomness during the two-day thanksgiving two-day drive to norcal.
Here's what I really wanted to write down.

Night of Thanksgiving, sort of like a tradition now, the Lin's invited the Mandarin Congregation to their place for potluck. My view towards BCC is one of worry and concern. But since I'm not home very often, I can't say much because I don't know much. Can I assume anything? Absolutely not. So even though I worry and worry, I can only pray; very thankful that at least my parents are attending church. For nothing else, at least I know the Word of God is being opened at least once a week.
I digress. During dinner, I got to talk to J and M. I'm not sure how exactly we got onto the topic, but I got to share with them my struggles throughout this past year. I told them the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, the struggles that I suffered, the things that made/makes my heart cry, the things that worries me, the nightmares I have, the battles I'm fighting, the uncertainties that makes me unable to sleep, the fears I can't get rid off. But more than my problems and my struggles, I was able to share how great our God is, how dependable, how faithful, how loving. That it is truly by His grace, that I am where I am today.

What a blessing. To be able to tell them my struggles and the things God has been teaching me. To pass on my knowledge, so that they may benefit from it.



I did not anticipate this at all, weren't even prepared for such "heavy topics" (as J referred to it). But, it was so right. Thanksgiving night -- how very much thankful I am that I was able to talk to them.
I see now that I have benefitted so much from Lighthouse's teaching and examples shown by older brothers/sisters & peers. How can I NOT share?

scattered thoughts

Pastor Patrick shared a bit towards the end of thanksgiving potluck (will blog about it, hopefully). Although he was talking about a completely different topic - how thankful he was for the bookfund - there are few things that he said that was basically exactly what's been on my mind (but probably better put). haha

"If God didn't want [me] to go this way, then why SO much affirmation"?
"answered prayers; affirmations that this is the direction God wants [me] to go".
"God, you wouldn't bring me this far just to have me fall flat on my face".

I have had so many doors opened for me; if this is not the way You are pushing me to go, WHY/ i have so many.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Who in their right mind would want to do medicine. Which girl in her right mind would willingly give up 8+ years of their life ("golden years", as mommy calls it)?? Who wouldn't want to get married some day? Have family? Who wouldn't want to just have an easy life, work from 8-5? Am I nuts?!



But, I suppose this is what I'm choosing to do. I just hope that by pursuing this neverending/scary/long/lonely road, God will be glorified the most.

Nonetheless, I'm still scared.

books

Lies Women Believe - Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Feminine Appeal - Carolyn Mahaney
Practicing Proverbs - Richard Mayhue
Humility - C. J. Mahaney and Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity - Elizabeth Elliot
Desiring God - John Piper (got!)



PostSecrets


(to be updated, more on amazon.com)

shortcuts in lecture hall?

In genetics class, the TAs sit towards the very front of the classroom next to the door. Today, 40 mins into the class (class is 50 mins), this girl walked in. My first thought was.. why is she here? If I were her, I wouldn't even go to class if there were just 10 mins left. Okay, so all of us were watching her. She went up the aisels, and just left through the backdoor.

Uh, WHAT?
Is Peterson hall some kind of shortcut?? Haha

breaks my heart

every little single thing.


But, I know that I can lean on my wonderful God. For comfort when I'm continuously hurting. For peace when my heart is at war. For light when I'm drowning in my own darkness. For hope when I seem have none.
Give me the strength to trust that all is for good.

to be disciplined

my goal for the rest of this quarter:

finish schoolwork/related by at LEAST midnight (12am),
so I can have at LEAST a solid 30 minutes to read,
go to bed at 12:30am,
wake up at 6:30am

and repeat.

more than just food

Towards the end of the summer, Jeff and I were talking about having a costa verde potluck every once in a while since so many of us are living there. We decided to go for monthly. Last night, we had our november one. yay for thanksgiving food. seriously now my favorite meal ever.
More than just eating together and playing games, the conversations we were able to have was SO good.
It made me realize how much I'm still in need of learning and studying, how much I don't know, how much I still lack. I've actually been questioning the whole evolution for a while now (ever since last spring when I took bild3), but for the most part, I just kind of said, I believe in the Bible, so yes God created everything; I couldn't justify what evolution is talking about based on all the evidence. Drove me nuts so eventually I just stopped thinking about it.
It's definitely a topic worth knowing, since the Bible says we should always be prepared and ready to answer questions. I'm so thankful we got a chance to share our opinions and our own convictions.

Costa had another blackout around midnight. We were having such a great conversation, that we just figured we'll talk until the light comes back again. But, nope, 1:30am in the morning and still no electricity. Poop!


We talked about things we were struggling with, things that's been on our mind. So good.

The biggest point I realized, was that even though I'm tired/busy/sick for the majority of the time, I am still doing much, much, much better than I deserve. Thank God.




Another note, I'm really frustrated with myself. In terms of how much words can impact me, even after all these time; how much I... suck (for lack of better word).

So in the end, I couldn't quite sleep even when it was 2am in the morning.

---

Bright side, because of our blackout, Shelby & I were able to meet our neighbors! hahah, God is in control.


---

totally unrelated: the funniest thing just happened: a bunch of us are at geisel studying. All of a sudden, we hear music playing. Apparently this dude thought his earphone was plugged in but it really wasnt, so all the people around him (including our table) were laughing and debating on whether or not to tell him. Shelby and I, instead, just started snapping to the beat of the song.
Life's funny moments.

of course I'm scared

How can I NOT be?

After talking to Maria last night, it seems like all my hopes were crushed (but not her fault at ALL. I always knew the answers to my questions in the back of my head). I was honestly considering switching to a different path.

And then I bounced ideas off of Shelbs. She says she didn't say much besides repeating the things I told her, but she really helped me a lot. My reasons for not pursuing medicine are all selfish reasons; my reasons for it are not (I think).
Which gal in her right mind would willingly say she doesn't want a husband, a family sometime down the line? Who in their right mind would continue to stay in school, sacrifice endless hours/sleep just for a longer name (ya know, the Dr. in front, and the M.D. in the back of your name)?? no no no

I hear, "I'm meant to do it" and "seems like your heart and mind is already set" (how can anyone have so much confidence in me, when I have none in myself?), but "I'm just scared". Well, OF COURSE I'm scared of what's going to happen to me, to my future once I set foot into the door of med school. OF COURSE I'm scared about the debt I have to pay because of med school, the burdens I will bring to my parents. OF COURSE I'm scared about watching everyone else around me setting steps into the different "seasons" (joanna hargrove) of their lives while I'm stuck as a student forever. OF COURSE. How can I possibly not be scared?

But, Shelbs is right. Those are secondary issues. I think do have my heart set on medicine. To let those issues persuade me is like saying I don't trust in God's sovereign plan.



Ah.

The road ahead seems so gloomy.





My light in the end of the tunnel: when I finally return home, to hear, "well done, my child" from my Holy Father. This is not going to come from simply pursuing medicine; but from pursuing the things that would bring glory to God.
I hope this will be my comforter during my times of struggle. Because, I know I will struggle.. a lot.


Do whatever takes MORE faith.

scattered

I'm so confused, so scared.
November now. I really don't have much time to think anymore.
So many questions flooding in my mind. Can I really make the sacrifice? How will my future look like? Would it be worth the sacrifice? Is it a wise decision? How can I be sure that I won't look back and regret my decision?

It's a lot to chew on.
I thought and prayed about this for so long, but I'm still so conflicted.

awakened cont'd

I am so thankful for God.

For making me sick, realizing that I can't do anything by myself, that whatever I was doing before was WRONG.
For providing me words of encouragements, words of rebuke, when I so desperately needed them that I didn't even see it myself.

Today, that was all I could think of - thank you, God.

awakened

1. have you been eating well?
2. have you been sleeping well?
3. have you been in the Word?

no no and no.

no wonder I'm doing so, horribly.

to appreciate [homeless ministry]

Today was such a blessing.

I've actually been thinking/praying about this ministry since the beginning of the summer. But somehow I never got around emailing Joyce. There were a couple times where I composed her an email, asking about homeless ministry, but it just seemed to be too many obstacles - I didn't/don't have a car, so getting around would definitely be a problem; I was studying for MCAT at the time, so time-management would be a problem as well; collegelife 3rd hour started around the same time, so it basically means I'd be at church from 9-6 (not that I don't want to be at church, just that I can't manage my time well..) God is gracious, though, and allowed me the opportunity to go today! I'm so thankful.

I got a mini-version of Joyce's testimony <3 It's always so good to hear how amazing our God is. So thankful for her.

The ladies (and gents) at PB prebysterian were really nice. They seemed to have enough volunteers for today, but they kept on telling me to come back (which I definitely will). I learnt to cook food (1st time making instant mashed potatoes), serve food to those who are so so SO different from me. What an experience. So thankful.

It makes me think how blessed I am. How fortunate, how spoiled I've been. My parents really have given me everything I ever asked for (I don't ask much or often, but whenever I did, I think I always got it). I never had to worry about not being able to eat. I'm so thankful.

Since it is in PB, the church (Joyce said it was built in the 1800s!) and the surrounding was not exactly "nice". But I can see they really tried to serve their best food and do their best -- it was a full-on meal complete with dessert and milk! And all the ladies truly put their heart into washing, cutting, preparing the food. So thankful to have a chance to get to know those that truly have a heart for people.

The structure was, the door opened, everyone lined up for the food, once everyone got their food, we close down the window and this one lady (ack, bad memory-cant remember her name) prayed for the food. What made me SO SO SO sad was that I saw so many people who just devoured the food during prayer time so they can be the 1st in line for the second serving. I realized later, that I did see few that were genuine, closed their eyes and truly prayed (I hope). It brought peace to my heart, and reminded me that only God has the power to save, and to truly trust in Him.


I have so many thoughts running through my mind. They are so scattered, which makes this post very unorganized. I am, though, super thankful for this opportunity God provided me.

fear

It never used to be like this.
My biggest fear, is that somewhere down the line, I would put school/work/career above things that would bring glory to God.
I feel that because I have been brought up this way, to cherish and chase after the things of the world, this worldly "success", I can so easily lose sight.

Just this past week, I've been so overwhelmed with school work, work, TAing, that I actually have not been able to meditate on God's word.
how can I SO easily fall down?


Can someone remind me when I'm heading towards the wrong road, pick me up when I fall, tell me of the Grace when I can't see clearly.

fellowship is SO sweet

Happy 20th! Austin =)

I never really thought I'd say this, but, I seriously LOVE my class. We are so, so, so different in our own ways (even me/caroline/shelby are super different - according to several people, and the boys, hahahah, SO different).



It was such a precious time yesterday, we had a small celebration/surprise for mr. austin, and just hang out there (internet cafe II!) for a little bit. <3 I seriously love them.
Caro came by and slept over - even when it was 2am in the morning and I had to get up early today for my 8am class, I cannot express in words how much they touch my heart. We laughed, and joked about all the possible, maybe things. We talked about the future, wondered what our amazing God has instore for us. In the end, I know that, at least for me, because we have one another, no matter what our lives throws at us, we can cling on our wonderful God and breathe in the air of encouragement that can only be found in fellow believers.


Ben was right, fellowship IS so sweet. All I want to do is hug them <3

Dreams & Nightmares

haha, they make me so mad sometimes. I wake up and ask myself, "WHAT was I thinking?!" stupid unconscious-ness.

I wish I were less affected by them - just dreams right?

my thoughts wonders.
&, kinda nasty when I have mcat-related nightmares for a week and half or something.

Beautiful San Diego

A snapshot of SD, taken at Cathie's bridal shower.

So In Love

with our amazing God.

I was flipping through old photos, and found this picture of Josh Liu from last Easter Sunday. Akwon sort of organized an informal singing/worship session on the field of warren mall. A couple guys were there, and I got this great shot of Josh. Full of emotions. I love it :)

Testimony

I am where I am today only because of God's grace and His love.

Growing up in an environment where the concept of religion did not even exist, much less the concept of a God, it is truly by His grace alone that I was given the opportunity to know Him, love Him, and now be called one of His children.

When I came to the U.S. at age 12, the main purpose that my parents dragged me to church was to 'socialize'. With no understanding of this "God", I saw no meaning in all things related to the church, and saw no importance of getting up early on a Sunday morning, sitting there for what seemed like forever listening to an old guy talk and ramble on and on and on. My view toward this unfamiliar religion was along the lines of “I-don’t-care”. I was so self-centered and self-absorbed that I did not even take the time to question or care about anything that did not directly benefit me. At the time, I was only focused on myself, and thought that everything needed to revolve around me.

This self-centered view, combined with my attitude of self-sufficiency, made me think that I, alone, all by myself, could handle anything and everything. I had always thought that if I were determined enough, that if I studied enough, perhaps worked hard enough, made enough friends, did enough “nice” things, then everything would somehow turn out to be perfect, and I would be well on my way to this magical Disney-happy-ending. So I devoted all my energy into academics and work and trying to please others. What I failed to notice was that, my idea of self-sufficiency had totally, completely blinded me. All things I chased after was so insignificant and they were always changing – nothing was constant and therefore I had nothing to hold on to. It was no wonder that whatever I was looking for - whether it was happiness or relationships or achievements at school or work – I never quite found it.

Instead, I found bitterness, envy, and even hatred towards those that I thought I loved. My sinful nature was revealed to me as my thoughts were consumed with jealousy and selfish ambitious.

It’s amazing how God uses all things for His glory.

Looking back, I can see how our wonderful God used various events in my life to bring me out of my self-centered view and my mistaken idea of self-sufficiency. He used various people and situations to bring me to tears and realizations just this past year, and to admit that I can never achieve anything by myself, and by myself, I am not enough, never was, and will never be enough.

When I truly repented of my sins and submitted my life to Christ, there was so much joy that accompanied it – praise God for the TRUE joy that comes from nothing else in this world. Knowing that God would love me so much that despite my daily rebellion against Him, He still sent His only son, Jesus, to take my place on the cross, and knowing that my salvation is based only on my faith in the Gospel and in Christ - nothing I do can merit this saving grace, it makes this so, so much sweeter. My outlook in life has changed; I am no longer living for myself, or for my selfish desires. I am constantly reminded that if God can love such a sinner like me, how can I possibly be envious or unforgiving of others? Even though I still struggle, and will continue to struggle with my fleshly desires as long as I am on Earth, I seek to bring glory to Christ in all that I do. Because above everything else, I love our amazingly wonderfully awesome God.


<10.18.2009>