scattered thoughts

Pastor Patrick shared a bit towards the end of thanksgiving potluck (will blog about it, hopefully). Although he was talking about a completely different topic - how thankful he was for the bookfund - there are few things that he said that was basically exactly what's been on my mind (but probably better put). haha

"If God didn't want [me] to go this way, then why SO much affirmation"?
"answered prayers; affirmations that this is the direction God wants [me] to go".
"God, you wouldn't bring me this far just to have me fall flat on my face".

I have had so many doors opened for me; if this is not the way You are pushing me to go, WHY/ i have so many.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Who in their right mind would want to do medicine. Which girl in her right mind would willingly give up 8+ years of their life ("golden years", as mommy calls it)?? Who wouldn't want to get married some day? Have family? Who wouldn't want to just have an easy life, work from 8-5? Am I nuts?!



But, I suppose this is what I'm choosing to do. I just hope that by pursuing this neverending/scary/long/lonely road, God will be glorified the most.

Nonetheless, I'm still scared.

books

Lies Women Believe - Nancy Leigh DeMoss
Feminine Appeal - Carolyn Mahaney
Practicing Proverbs - Richard Mayhue
Humility - C. J. Mahaney and Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity - Elizabeth Elliot
Desiring God - John Piper (got!)



PostSecrets


(to be updated, more on amazon.com)

shortcuts in lecture hall?

In genetics class, the TAs sit towards the very front of the classroom next to the door. Today, 40 mins into the class (class is 50 mins), this girl walked in. My first thought was.. why is she here? If I were her, I wouldn't even go to class if there were just 10 mins left. Okay, so all of us were watching her. She went up the aisels, and just left through the backdoor.

Uh, WHAT?
Is Peterson hall some kind of shortcut?? Haha

breaks my heart

every little single thing.


But, I know that I can lean on my wonderful God. For comfort when I'm continuously hurting. For peace when my heart is at war. For light when I'm drowning in my own darkness. For hope when I seem have none.
Give me the strength to trust that all is for good.

to be disciplined

my goal for the rest of this quarter:

finish schoolwork/related by at LEAST midnight (12am),
so I can have at LEAST a solid 30 minutes to read,
go to bed at 12:30am,
wake up at 6:30am

and repeat.

more than just food

Towards the end of the summer, Jeff and I were talking about having a costa verde potluck every once in a while since so many of us are living there. We decided to go for monthly. Last night, we had our november one. yay for thanksgiving food. seriously now my favorite meal ever.
More than just eating together and playing games, the conversations we were able to have was SO good.
It made me realize how much I'm still in need of learning and studying, how much I don't know, how much I still lack. I've actually been questioning the whole evolution for a while now (ever since last spring when I took bild3), but for the most part, I just kind of said, I believe in the Bible, so yes God created everything; I couldn't justify what evolution is talking about based on all the evidence. Drove me nuts so eventually I just stopped thinking about it.
It's definitely a topic worth knowing, since the Bible says we should always be prepared and ready to answer questions. I'm so thankful we got a chance to share our opinions and our own convictions.

Costa had another blackout around midnight. We were having such a great conversation, that we just figured we'll talk until the light comes back again. But, nope, 1:30am in the morning and still no electricity. Poop!


We talked about things we were struggling with, things that's been on our mind. So good.

The biggest point I realized, was that even though I'm tired/busy/sick for the majority of the time, I am still doing much, much, much better than I deserve. Thank God.




Another note, I'm really frustrated with myself. In terms of how much words can impact me, even after all these time; how much I... suck (for lack of better word).

So in the end, I couldn't quite sleep even when it was 2am in the morning.

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Bright side, because of our blackout, Shelby & I were able to meet our neighbors! hahah, God is in control.


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totally unrelated: the funniest thing just happened: a bunch of us are at geisel studying. All of a sudden, we hear music playing. Apparently this dude thought his earphone was plugged in but it really wasnt, so all the people around him (including our table) were laughing and debating on whether or not to tell him. Shelby and I, instead, just started snapping to the beat of the song.
Life's funny moments.

of course I'm scared

How can I NOT be?

After talking to Maria last night, it seems like all my hopes were crushed (but not her fault at ALL. I always knew the answers to my questions in the back of my head). I was honestly considering switching to a different path.

And then I bounced ideas off of Shelbs. She says she didn't say much besides repeating the things I told her, but she really helped me a lot. My reasons for not pursuing medicine are all selfish reasons; my reasons for it are not (I think).
Which gal in her right mind would willingly say she doesn't want a husband, a family sometime down the line? Who in their right mind would continue to stay in school, sacrifice endless hours/sleep just for a longer name (ya know, the Dr. in front, and the M.D. in the back of your name)?? no no no

I hear, "I'm meant to do it" and "seems like your heart and mind is already set" (how can anyone have so much confidence in me, when I have none in myself?), but "I'm just scared". Well, OF COURSE I'm scared of what's going to happen to me, to my future once I set foot into the door of med school. OF COURSE I'm scared about the debt I have to pay because of med school, the burdens I will bring to my parents. OF COURSE I'm scared about watching everyone else around me setting steps into the different "seasons" (joanna hargrove) of their lives while I'm stuck as a student forever. OF COURSE. How can I possibly not be scared?

But, Shelbs is right. Those are secondary issues. I think do have my heart set on medicine. To let those issues persuade me is like saying I don't trust in God's sovereign plan.



Ah.

The road ahead seems so gloomy.





My light in the end of the tunnel: when I finally return home, to hear, "well done, my child" from my Holy Father. This is not going to come from simply pursuing medicine; but from pursuing the things that would bring glory to God.
I hope this will be my comforter during my times of struggle. Because, I know I will struggle.. a lot.


Do whatever takes MORE faith.

scattered

I'm so confused, so scared.
November now. I really don't have much time to think anymore.
So many questions flooding in my mind. Can I really make the sacrifice? How will my future look like? Would it be worth the sacrifice? Is it a wise decision? How can I be sure that I won't look back and regret my decision?

It's a lot to chew on.
I thought and prayed about this for so long, but I'm still so conflicted.